


Somos Quienes Somos

by SunniAlien



Series: Name a time and place, we'll be fine [2]
Category: On My Block (TV)
Genre: (mostly), Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Not Epilogue Compliant, Not Timeskip Compliant, Post-Season/Series 03, Pre-Relationship, Season 3 Finale, can be read as purely platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:49:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27715007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunniAlien/pseuds/SunniAlien
Summary: «I think you’re maybe the only person who doesn’t look at me like that. Or who wouldn’t. You still look at me the same.» he says. He smiles wryly to himself and continues, «Maybe it’s because you never really knew me to begin with.»
Relationships: Oscar "Spooky" Diaz & Ruby Martinez, Oscar "Spooky" Diaz/Ruby Martinez
Series: Name a time and place, we'll be fine [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1896709
Kudos: 17





	Somos Quienes Somos

**Author's Note:**

> Somos quienes somos - we are who we are  
> The rest of the Spanish translations are at the bottom!
> 
> I think this works best if you've read the previous work in this series

About a week a and a half after that night, Ruby goes looking for Oscar. He finds him in the backyard of the Santos house, sitting on a ratty couch with a cigarette between his fingers. Alone.  
«You look like shit, li’l homie.» he says. He doesn’t seem surprised to see Ruby.  
«Your observational skills astound me.» Ruby replies.  
«Not sleepin’?» Oscar asks with a raised eyebrow. Once again, he’s hit the nail on the head and caught Ruby off guard.  
«How did you know?» he asks quietly, kicking the ground with his foot. Oscar takes his time replying, taking a drag of his cigarette and blowing it out slowly, mouth in a small o.  
«You’ve got that look.» he says eventually. Ruby rolls his eyes.  
«Cesar here?» he asks. Oscar shakes his head.  
«Monse’s.» he tells him. Ruby had expected as much.

«Can I have a cigarette?» He asks. Oscar doesn’t respond, but after a second he reaches behind himself and digs out the pack from the couch. Ruby walks the final steps up to the couch and sits down sideways, tucking his right leg under himself so he’s facing Oscar. A hand holds out the pack and Ruby reaches inside to grab one. He keeps it between his fingers until Oscar finds the lighter. As he places the cigarette between his lips he swears he feels Oscars eyes on him, but maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Oscar doesn’t hand him the lighter, but lights it for him, making Ruby lean forward slightly. He places a hand on Oscar’s wrist to steady it, and inhales. He coughs a little on the exhale, but it’s not too bad.  
«You’ve gotten better at that.» Oscar says looking at Ruby. Ruby looks back at him, and remembers another time Oscar offered him a cigarette. Back when he’d tried to talk Cesar out of a gang.  
«Things change.» he replies.

They sit and smoke in silence for a while, but it’s not uncomfortable. Actually, it might be the most comfortable Ruby’s felt since that night. It’s like he can finally breathe. His house is always so full of people. It’s stifling. Ruby looks at Oscar, who’s just smoking his cigarette and letting Ruby be, and thinks he made the right choice in coming here.

Oscar looks up and meets his gaze. Ruby doesn’t look away. Oscar blows out smoke and looks down at his hands, picking at his fingernails.  
«How you holdin’ up?» he asks, looking back at Ruby with a raised eyebrow. His voice, the way he says it, the way he looks at Ruby as if he wants to know the answer… It all makes something fluttering take off inside Ruby’s chest, just a little bit. At the same time, the question sends his mind to places he’d much rather avoid. Still, not answering doesn’t seem like an option, and lying doesn’t either. He’s too tired for that. He takes another pull on his cigarette and thinks for a minute before he goes for it.

«I… I feel like I’m faking it? Constantly? And I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up, because it’s like… It feels like I might just explode or, or fall apart at any moment. But I can’t. I feel like they’re all looking at me and if I make a mistake, if I show them that I… That I’m not the same anymore… They’re all gonna know, you know? And I just… I can’t. The thought of them all looking at me? Like that? Like they know? I- » A few tears suddenly well up in Ruby’s eyes and roll down his cheek. They surprise him, and he wipes them away with a wet laugh, feeling stupid, silly, but more tired than anything else. He looks at Oscar, who’s staying quiet and looking back, letting him speak and think without making him feeling rushed. As he does, he realizes something.

«I think you’re maybe the only person who doesn’t look at me like that. Or who wouldn’t. You still look at me the same.» he says. He smiles wryly to himself and continues, «Maybe it’s because you never really knew me to begin with.» And isn’t that kind of a depressing thought? That there’s only one person he can really stand to be around, and it’s because they don’t truly know him?  
«Maybe.» Oscar says, pulling him out of his thoughts. «Or maybe it’s ‘cause I’m the only one who still knows you.» Ruby looks at Oscar, and considers it.

Oscar doesn’t know him the way Jamal does. Doesn’t know what cereal he likes or when he had his first kiss, or what he wanted to be when he was little. But right now he feels like Oscar is seeing straight into his soul. So maybe ‘know’ isn’t the best word, at least not yet. Maybe it should be ‘understand’, but still, Oscar has a point.  
«Yeah, maybe.» he says. The thought brings him peace, but at the same time it makes him kinda sad, because how could Oscar ever understand him better than Jamal? Are they really that far apart, now?

«Fuck, I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything these days.» Ruby says on a heavy exhale. «I’m so tired. I just wanna feel normal again. But it’s like I don’t even know what normal is.» He takes a drag and looks over at Oscar.  
«Yeah, that shit takes a while.» He says, and he sounds like he knows exactly what Ruby’s talking about. Ruby finds himself hoping he’ll continue, and it’s not just because he wants someone to tell him how to get through this, but because… Because he just wants to _know_ Oscar. Everything that lives inside Oscar’s head… Ruby wants to know it. The more he learns about the other man, the more intrigued he is. Every little bit he gets just makes him hungry for more. He’ not sure when this curiosity began but it’s there now, undeniably.

Oscar throws a look at him and sighs, before he continues.  
«The first time I killed someone, I was in my second year of high school. And I was pretty good at school, you know? All the teachers liked me ’n shit. Y después… I was so afraid they were somehow gonna look at me and just know. ‘Oscar Diaz es un asesino’» Oscar lets out a heavy breath.  
«Did you ever start feeling normal again?» Ruby asks him.  
«Sí y no. I just got used to it, I guess. For a long time I figured that was that. Eventually I realized I had to let go of all that fear. I had to own it, with myself. ‘Cause in a way, the worst part wasn’t even the killing bit. Fue saber que era capaz de algo así.» Ruby listens, and something about Oscar’s words feel like truth inside of him. Oscar continues.  
«I was a lot like Cesar at that age. Figured I was gonna be the one to get out. Then my dad left and…Well you know.» He looks at Ruby «Shit happens. Normal became somethin’ new.» he shrugs, wearing a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

Ruby doesn’t know what to say to that. He tries to imagine a fifteen year old Oscar, working hard to keep his grades up, determined to do his own thing and make something of himself in the world. He thinks he can picture it. Walking into one of those fancy restaurants where they make the food in front of you, and seeing Oscar there, chopping something, shaking a frying pan with confidence. Then he looks at the person sitting beside him on this ratty couch in this ratty back yard, an eternal teardrop on his cheek. And he feels so much hopelessness. That they all have to live in this world that’s so unfair. Where fifteen year olds get their innocence stolen, their dreams crushed or their life taken away. He just wants to reach out. Show Oscar that he gets it now. Gets that Oscar lives and has lived in the same world as the rest of them. He wants Oscar to look at him and see that he understands. But Oscar’s not looking at him. So Ruby draws in a shaky breath and opens his mouth.  
He doesn’t think he’s ever been so scared to speak before. The words seem to get stuck. Even just thinking about them… Once he’s said them he knows there’ll be no taking them back. He’s scared to even admit them to himself, these words sitting right at the tip of his tongue. But something inside him feels like it wants to get out, and he can’t think of any other way to show Oscar that he gets it.

«Jamal told me he doesn’t think he would’ve been able to pull the trigger.» Ruby starts, steeling himself. Oscar turns to look at him, waiting patiently for what’s coming next, although Ruby is certain he already knows what it’ll be. «And I just said me neither. But… I think I lied. And I think they know that I lied.» Ruby breathes out heavily. His hands start shaking and his eyes water, so he presses the heels of his palms to them. Oscar is quiet beside him, and all Ruby can think is _fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._ Because now that he’s said it, there’s no going back. He can’t pretend it isn’t true anymore. And he’s not sure how to live with that. How to co-exist with that part of himself.

A hand lands heavily on his shoulder.  
«You can’t hate yourself for it. I’ve seen what it does to the men who hate themselves for it. You can’t do that.» Oscar tells him. «This world, it is what is is. And we are who we are.» Feeling that steady warmth and pressure on his shoulder, hearing those words, _‘We are who we are’_ … It’s like small pieces of the stone in Ruby’s chest are being chipped away. Knowing that he’s not alone, that there’s a way to live with this, it makes it just a little bit easier to breathe.

Ruby wipes away the tear tracks on his cheeks and takes a deep breath. As he does, Oscars hand slips away from Ruby’s shoulder and goes to the back of the couch. Ruby misses the point of contact, and discreetly shifts a little bit, so his knee is pressing against Oscar’s thigh. They’re sitting close enough that it’s not a stretch. He just likes the warmth. Being able to feel that there’s someone else there. Oscar lets him.

They sit in silence for a while, finishing their near forgotten cigarettes. Ruby is a little surprised at how he’s feeling. He’s not exactly about to proclaim his joy to the world, but he feels a little more relaxed than he did that morning. A little less tense. He’s not sure how Oscar did that.

His eyes doesn’t seem to wanna leave Oscar for too long. They trace over the smooth planes of his face. The way his skin seems to slip like calm water over sleek stones, barely a ripple, tracing the path of least resistance. He thinks that that’s probably what touching Oscars face would be like. As natural and easy as flowing water. All that smoothness is broken up by the angry red groove crossing Oscar’s eyebrow. The bandages are off, but the marks from his fight with Cuchillos are still right there on the surface.

Oscar must feel his gaze.  
«Why you lookin’ at me like that?» he asks, but there’s no anger in it. And yet, Ruby feels like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t have, and he blushes.  
«Nothing. Does your neck still hurt?» he asks. He’s about to have another pull at his cigarette, but realizes it’s gone. Oscar looks at him with a small smirk and shakes his head.  
«Nah. Was sore for a li’l while, but now it’s all good.» He grabs an ashtray from the ground next to his foot and holds it out for Ruby to stub out his cigarette. Afterwards, he follows suit.

«So what’ve you been up to?» Ruby asks, wanting to keep a conversation going. Oscar looks genuinely surprised at the mundane question. Ruby supposes that’s warranted. They’ve hardly had a conversation about anything besides death and grief and misery.  
«Been doing a lot of thinkin’» Oscar eventually says. «With Cuchillos gone… Thinkin’ it might be a good time for me to get out.» And that’s a scenario Ruby’s never really thought of before but…  
«Wow.» he says. «Good for you.» And he means it. He really does. That image of Oscar in a restaurant shaking the frying pan comes back to him, and he really does hope to see it some day. He swears every time he looks at Oscar it’s like looking at him with new eyes. The more he learns the more the man beside him changes. Right now, the way Oscar is biting his lip and furrowing his brows, Ruby thinks he looks uncertain.  
«Whatever you do, I’m sure you’ll be great at it. And don’t worry,» he adds. «I won’t tell anybody or anything.» Oscars lips pull up into a little half-smile, partly amused, partly surprised, partly just happy.  
«Thanks.» he says. «That’s the kinda shit you don’t want floating around on the streets prematurely, you know?»  
«Sure.» Ruby replies, even though he doesn’t really know. He’s suddenly more grateful for that than ever.

Ruby’s phone vibrates in his pocket, and he jumps. He pulls it out and sighs  
«It’s my ma. ‘¿Dónde estás, mijo?’» he reads, feeling that stone returning to his stomach at the thought of having to go back to his own life. Oscar looks at him expectantly.  
«I should probably go home» Ruby says, settling for what he thinks is the adult thing.  
«I’m not gonna tell you what to do.» Oscar replies. «But that sounds pretty smart.» The compliment and the soft look on Oscar’s face sends Ruby’s heart beating and makes him blush just a little. He sits for a few seconds more, wondering if Oscar will say anything else. Not really wanting to leave. But Oscar doesn’t say anything more, so Ruby feels like he doesn’t have much of a choice.  
«Yeah…» he says, and stands up. He feels awkward as he turns to Oscar. «Bye.» he says. Oscar doesn’t say anything, just nods. Ruby feels disappointed, and realizes he’d wanted to hear the other man’s voice again. Then he feels somehow ashamed at his disappointment, which confuses him. He turns around before he does anything embarrassing or puts his foot in his mouth.

The first step’s not so bad, nor is the second, but the further Ruby gets from the couch the harder it gets to move his feet. It doesn’t take long before he feels like he’s wading through mud. About halfway across the yard, the street and the houses come into view. A car drives by, and there’s a man walking his dog. Behind a fence somewhere a little girl, maybe his sister’s age, is shrieking.  
Somehow, seeing and thinking about all the normal people living their normal lives with their normal worries and struggles makes Ruby’s chest feel tight. It’s like his legs just stop working. He doesn’t know how to go out there. How to be one of them. After having been able to relax and forget about his feelings for at least a small part of the afternoon, having them all shoved back in his face so suddenly makes them feel twice as overwhelming as before. Ruby feels like he’s forgotten how to breathe. He starts gasping, but his chest feels like someone’s sitting on it. He doesn’t know when he started crying, but everything is blurry now, and Ruby feels like he’s shaking, but he’s not sure and either way he doesn’t know how to stop it. His lungs are convulsing. They’re like wild, thrashing horses, throwing themselves against their restraints. Ruby knows he should just breathe. There’s a little voice of reason in his head, insisting that his lungs are under his control, just like the rest of his body, but how can that be when absolutely no part of it is listening to him? He feels like dumb luck is the only thing keeping him upright, because he’s completely forgotten how to stand.

Suddenly something grey walks into his field of vision. There’s a small band of black on top of it, which turns into a belt at about the same time as someone pulls all the cotton out of his ears.  
«-uby? Ruby?»  
Ruby’s lungs calm down for a second, and he gulps in a large breath of air, filling his ears with the sound of it. On top of the belt there’s a white tank top, and the tank top rests on Oscar’s torso, and Ruby’s not sure when it happened, but turns out Oscars hand is on his upper arm? Oscar’s head isn’t in view, and Ruby realizes it’s because of how bent over he is, so he straightens. The next breath is a little easier. When he blinks it’s almost like waking up. He’s not really sure what just happened, but Oscar almost looks a little scared, and Ruby feels a little scared. Or more than a little scared. The tears keep welling up in his eyes, and suddenly he just feels so pathetic. Like a little kid, like all he can do is cry. Just crying and crying all the damn time. He’s so tired of crying! He’s just so tired.

«Hey, what just happened Ruby?» Oscar asks, pulling Ruby’s focus to him. Ruby looks into Oscar’s eyes and takes another steadying breath. Oscar is giving all his attention to Ruby, and it feels so intense, like Ruby couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. As if the world has shrunk down to a bubble where there’s just enough room for the two of them. Ruby feels safe in that bubble. He wishes he never had to leave that bubble. Never had to go home. Because…

«What if my parents find out and they hate me?» Ruby asks the question that’s slowly been worming it’s way up inside of him. The one he can’t seem to let go of. Oscar inhales and straightens, letting go of Ruby in the process. He exhales heavily before he answers.  
«I don’t have all the answers li’l homie. Never had to worry about that shit.» he says, voice going quieter towards the end.  
«Oh.» Ruby says. And then, because sometimes he swears he has no filter, «What about Cesar?»

He swears Oscar’s entire body freezes up. Ruby is shocked at himself for asking. It’s not like the question has ever crossed his mind before, but now that he’s asked he realizes he really, really wants to know. Oscar opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Ruby’s never seen him looking so… out of his element.  
«I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that.» he hurries to say. And he does mean it. As much as he wants to know, he feels that he’s crossed a line.  
Oscar closes his mouth and just stands there, not really looking at Ruby.  
«I’m just gonna go.» Ruby says. He moves past Oscar, but before he gets more than a few steps away, Oscar speaks.

«You can’t control it. How they react.» he says. Ruby feels that there’s more coming, and turns back. It’s like Oscar was waiting for him to. His eyes are sad, but his gaze is steady, the words ready on his tongue. As if he’s thought them many times before. «There’s… nothing you can do to try to control it. But you have to ask yourself, even if you knew that they were gonna hate you, would you still do it? To save them?»

Ruby loves his mom, maybe more than anyone else in the world. He loves his dad, too, and Mario, and his abuelita. But the twins… They are the ones who pop into his mind first. They’re still so little, it’s like they’re barely even people. They haven’t had the chance to become themselves yet. To become someone Ruby can really get to know. And Mario, too. It’s like he changes a little bit every time Ruby sees him. Even if he’s older than Ruby he’s still so young. And the way he speaks about his future… Ruby wants to protect that future. If he could buy all their safeties with just his own suffering, he would do it. 

Ruby nods, and looks to Oscar, who does the same.  
_‘We are who we are’_ Oscar’s words from before jump back into Ruby’s mind. He’s been living with that truth a lot longer than Ruby has, and Ruby’s not sure how he’s managed it on his own. He feels like the only person holding him together is Oscar. Oscar, who’s looking at the ground with a certain resignation and sadness that has got Ruby feeling all twisted up inside.

«Cesar doesn’t hate you, you know?» he says, because he feels like that’s all he can say.  
«Maybe.» Oscar replies, followed by «Maybe not. I think if he’d killed Latrelle he would’ve hated me forever. And hated himself too.»  
«Maybe.» Ruby says.

There’s not really anything else to say to that, so for a short while they just stand there in a shared silence. Ruby looks out at the street and the normal people. He wonders if any of them have secrets like this, too.  
The silence is broken by his phone, vibrating in his pocket again. It’s another text from his mom. He doesn’t read it, just slips the phone back in his pocket before he looks back up.  
«I have to go.» he says, because it’s the truth. Oscar smiles at him gently. Knowingly.  
«Go,» he says. As he does, he reaches out a hand and ruffles Ruby’s hair. It’s one of Ruby’s biggest pet peeves. People reaching out and messing up his hair just because he’s so short. But for once, Ruby’s not annoyed by it. It actually feels kind of good. Affectionate. Casual. All it brings him is warmth.

The warmth stays with him. It’s there as he leaves, there as he walks home, there as he sets the table for dinner. If it fades a little bit over the course of the evening that’s only to be expected. It returns again later that night, as he’s lying in bed. He wants to remember their conversations. The things Oscar said. The way he sounded, the way he smiled, but he falls asleep before he has the time to do anything more than picture Oscar’s face.

But when he wakes in the morning, he feels rested for the first time in months.

**Author's Note:**

> Y después... - And after...  
> 'Oscar Diaz es un asesino' - 'Oscar Diaz is a killer'  
> Sí y no - Yes and no  
> Fue saber que era capaz de algo así - It was knowing that I was capable of something like that  
> ¿Dónde estás, mijo? - Where are you, my son?
> 
> -
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!  
> I don't know any Spanish, so I'm sorry for my inevitable mistakes. feel free to correct me !  
> Also, can you tell I've never smoked a cigarette before?
> 
> Hmu on tumblr @ sunnialien if u wanna chat  
> subscribe to this series to see where these boys are headed, and feel free to leave your suggestions down below <3
> 
> thank you for reading, xxx


End file.
